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WalLead 07-09-104 Leading
Out of Who You Are Discovering
the Secret of Undefended Leadership Simon P. Walker Piquant
Editions, 2007, 161 pp., ISBN 1-903689-43-0 |
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Simon Walker
teaches at Oxford University and runs courses for social leaders in the
corporate, education and not-for-profit sectors. This is the first of three books on
leadership. Undefended leaders are those
whose life and philosophy have involved deliberate acts of weakness and
courageous self-sacrifice, such as Dietrich Bonheoffer, Martin Luther King,
Desmond Tutu, and Mother Teresa. (4) "Leadership
is about who you are, not what you know or what skills you have."
(5) "The leader represents safety
and security. People follow him
because they trust him." "A
healthy leader-follower dynamic is characterized by the experience of trust between them. This is the glue that bonds them
together." (6) "For the
leader, trust is everything: without it, leadership may begin to resort to
unhealthy strategies to ensure that people follow." Moral authority is what gives a leader her
ability to lead. Undefended leaders
have it in abundance. It has to do
with the kind of life one has lived. Often
it is acquired through personal struggle and loss, through the fire of
personal experience in which character is tested and refined. Integrity is put under scrutiny and
motives, commitment and dedication are tested and exposed. Moral courage is revealed. (7,9) For such leaders
the battles have been within their inner selves. Having defeated their inner demons of anger
and thirst for power, they are "free of the need to dominate, to conquer
and oppress, to consume, to acquire…because they are free within themselves."
(9) The leader lives
in a hostile world and develops various mechanisms to protect himself. "Leaders often experience three things
that other people experience only to a lesser degree: idealization, idealism
and unmet emotional needs." (15) Those who have
taken up the burden of leadership are often idealized by the rest of us. We turn them into the ideal heroes we need
them to be. Thus the leader cannot
share his internal struggles, because no one will allow him to. (16) The leader holds
onto the ideal, that which drives her.
She doesn't want to be reminded of how bad things are and sometimes
prefers to live in blissful ignorance, traveling alone ahead of the crowd, on
the margins, feeling a sense of alienation.
(17) Leaders care
about the welfare of others and carry other people's feelings; often
sacrificing meeting their own needs for the sake of others. When a leader does not meet his own needs,
he often makes up the psychological deficit through his service to and
approval from followers. It is
difficult for someone who has given up much for others not to be possessive
of the rewards they achieve. (19) According to a
study by Manfred Kets de Vries (2001), 70% of executives suffer some kind of
heavy fall at some stage in their career. (20) One strategy of defense
is to separate the front and back stage. We learn to
present on our front stage whatever will win approval. That's where we
perform for our audience. This is
"impression management." (24-26) Lots of things
happen backstage, things that can't appear on frontstage. The leader's idealized life is front stage;
the less-than-ideal is backstage. It
is the repository for the doubts, confusions, ambiguities and defeats. The front stage shows conviction and
confidence. Struggle and uncertainty
are kept backstage. (26) This reality
means the leader lives two lives, a public life and a private life. The private life may employ healthy or
unhealthy strategies to meet personal needs and resolve problems. Thus, our
front and back stages work together in our complex psychological make-up to
contrive ways that enable us to cope.
If there is a problem or deficit on one stage, often the other can
offer a compensating or displacing solution." (28) The more
attention we pay to one of the stages, the less conscious we will be of the
other. (28) Further, the two stages
cannot be kept completely separate.
"What goes on on one stage will always make itself visible in
some way or another on the other.
"Very often a leader's backstage life will leak onto their front
stage, and this is particularly so when the front stage requires a high
degree of emotional discipline and other-person-centeredness." (29) The alternatives to a leak are an explosion
or a collapse. (30) "What lies
behind the creation of a front and a back stage is the sense that we can't
entirely trust our audience, and so we need to manage what they see of
us." "When we make ourselves
vulnerable, we risk rejection and judgment." (32) "People
only become undefended when they feel safe." "Freedom comes when we start to allow
people to see not only the glossy image but the mess as well. This also means that our back stage ceases
to be a place of fear, containing all the mess that we avoid, and instead
becomes available for fruitful exploration." (33) Another strategy
for defense is power. Influence is
power, the ability to effect change.
Power is a pragmatic thing, neither good nor bad: the issue is how it
is used. (37) Power is exercised in
every situation: the most dangerous kind of power is that which is unacknowledged. "The most dangerous kind of person is
the one with a great deal of power who denies that they have any, or who
denies that power is a fundamental factor in their leadership. This is the strategy of what I call
'defended' leaders." (40) A third strategy
of defense is control. Control is not
a bad thing but wanting to be in control can become a destructive
disorder. (42) "Control offers us an illusion of
escape from the chaotic world we inhabit…." "Mostly, we exercise control in order
to make the world more familiar to us."
It makes us feel safer. Being
in leadership provides the power and resources to structure your
environment. Control often prevents
leaders from working collaboratively with others. (45) "Only when the
leader is willing to follow someone else's script can collaboration truly be
said to be taking place." (46) "All of us
create worlds in our own image, but the difference for leaders is that they
have the positional authority to do so.
…they have the mandate and the power to impose their personality on
the community around them."
"The community becomes an extension of us, and our followers
become performers on our stage, using our script to tell our
story." "For us, therefore,
there is a moral responsibility and an ethical imperative to know
ourselves…for the benefit of our followers.
And not only to know ourselves but to be free from our selves…freedom
to make decisions and choose courses of action that in the end may lead to
personal loss rather than personal gain." (47) "Leaders
who cling to personal power and are not free always, in the end, become
corrupted." (47) "The truth
is that, until we are set free from the need to get a favourable response
from our audience, everyone concerned, leaders and followers, will be
trapped." "Accountability
and submission are crucial factors in leadership: no leader should be without
them."(48) The Roots of the
Defended Self Ultimately we
are defending our ego. Our ego is
primarily shaped during two periods of our life: in early childhood by our
relationship with our parents and in adolescence by the relationships with
our peers. The way in which trust is experienced
in these relationships is key.
Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Relationships are our ropes of
protection. They attach us to powerful
figures and provide limits. In the absence
of strong ropes, children develop robust patterns of 'self-holding' and
'self-promoting' that are remarkably difficult to change as adults. (54) Children develop
working models of how they expect people to treat them. The root of their defendedness as adult
leaders lies in the experience of trust they experienced as a child. (58-9) Over-Confidence
and Paternalism characterize a leadership style the author names "The Shaping Leadership Ego." The individual has a high level of trust in
self and others and has a strong sense of security. "There is a
lazy assumption widespread in the West that low self-esteem lies at the root
of antisocial behaviour."
"In a large-scale review of research literature in 1996,
Baumeister, Smart and Boden found that the evidence overwhelmingly
contradicted the theory that low self-esteem causes violence." "…the decisive cause of aggression and
violence is not low self-esteem but a perceived threat to the ego. Contrary to popular belief, too much
self-esteem can be a bad thing." (64) The Shaping Ego is prone to
self-inflation. This generates
confidence, sometimes unrealistic confidence, that rejects contrary
feedback. "Where others see
threats, they see opportunities."
They tend to rescue people.
"Shapers tend to define their own reality. This gives them their ability to survive in
tough situations that would overwhelm others…." "Shapers do things their own way and
believe that others should simply join them." They also have a tendency to unrealism. "Frontstage Shapers" give an
impression of self-assurance, supreme confidence, even swagger. "Backstage Shapers" shows up big
time in the Mafia culture. Insiders
are safe and privileged. All others
are ruled by suspicion and fear.
(65-68) Drivenness and
Ambition characterize the "Defining
Leadership Ego." Their world is predominantly a critical and judgmental
place. This occurs when childhood
expectations for performance are clear and the child is continually
encouraged to measure up. Attachments
are strong but conditional. The
grownup becomes her own critic, trying to measure up, trying to win. She learns to trust herself but not
others. "She is defined by what
she achieves, and afraid of what she can't." (71) Power, prestige and reputation come from
accomplishments. Avoidance of failure
is avoidance of rejection. This leader
creates an atmosphere characterized by performance, control, fear, avoiding
risk. Failure isn't tolerated. "The current shareholder-capital
system of our publicly quoted companies is, in essence, a Defining Culture. All that matters is performance…."
(74) Such frontstage
leaders invest huge amounts of energy and work hard, and are driven by
anxiety, never able to relax.
Sometimes they crash.
Everything is on the front stage.
On the back stage, there is little reserve. Backstage leaders stay behind the scenes,
out of the limelight, fearing public failure.
They eliminate everything from their lives where success is in
doubt. (74-77) Anxiety and
Over-Responsibility characterize the Adapting
Leadership Ego. This leader over trusts
others and under trusts himself. He
grew up with fragile and insecure trust relationships and may compensate by
making people laugh or becoming useful.
Confrontation and conflict were not appropriately modeled so he may be
a peacemaker, having learned to avoid setting off an explosion. Such a frontstage
leader may seek attention through performance. He needs others' eyes on him. He may be the one who ensures everyone is
OK and tries to smooth over conflict.
He may become a problem solver, even making a drama out of a crisis:
fixing things assures his worth. The
darker side is he may need continual reassurance and become a
high-maintenance person. Backstage
adapters may develop emotional containment, never expressing their feelings,
suppressing their own needs and serving others. This can leave a legacy of anxiety,
resentment, self-loathing and exhaustion.
Leadership is a daily battle; actually they follow more than lead.
Their identity consists of giving to others.
(79-86) Suspicion and
over-sensitivity characterize the Defending
Leadership Ego. It arises out of a
childhood that produces little trust in either self or others. Disorganized
and unreliable emotional attachments are increasingly characterizing
childhood situations as families suffer over busyness and breakdown. The coping
strategy divides the world into the safe and unsafe. There is nothing in between. To protect herself she must be cautious,
suspicious, and loyal to her inner circle.
Under it all she feels powerless. Such leaders gather those who are
deeply loyal and are suspicious of all others. Advice is received based on who gives
it. The key factor is trust. We back each other up, regardless. But if you let her down, you'll find
yourself on the outside. She is always
watching for dissent. No single
pattern defines her. Her backstage is
the obverse of her frontstage. She
reveals on one stage and hides on the other.
Contradiction lies at the heart of her strategy. She develops a concealed but real
persona. Part of her life doesn't
match the rest. This may lead to guilt
because of uncharacteristic hidden behaviors.
(89-97) "Beware the
leader who has no knowledge of their own failings and who demands excessive
purity! Behind the curtain may lurk
devils too dark to show themselves."
"The root cause of our defendedness [is] right under our noses. It is our very selves that we are
defending." (97) It is possible
for people to change, but not through willing themselves to change. The solution is not inside. "The root of our problem [is] in the
formation of our relationships with others." "The problem lies not within us, but
between us and others." "The
solution must lie, in fact, in locating relationships with the world, with
others and perhaps, uniquely, with Another, in which we are both trusted and
able to trust." (98) Part III unveils
The Secret of the Undefended Leader, including the freedom to fail (locating
the source of approval), the freedom to give, leading as a child, the
formation of moral authority, and setting goals. "Freedom
comes from knowing that you are approved of." "…someone is rooting for you …whose
opinion you value more than anyone else's.
You are secure." (102)
"We will defend ourselves against the loss of the asset we value
most. Only the person who is secure
against the loss of all these things can be truly undefended, truly
free." (103) "Human relationships
are simply not big enough. They are
not strong enough to survive death, or true enough to give us a proper sense
of perspective, a proper sense of ourselves." (105) For the Shaping Ego: "Key transforming truth: The world is
neither as safe nor as unsafe as you think." "Stop trying to rescue
people." "Allow feedback to
touch you." (106, 107) For the Defining Ego: "Key transforming truth: You are not as
successful as you think you are--but you cannot be as unsuccessful as you
fear." (107) "Stop wanting
to win at all costs." "Enjoy
the moment and stay in it." (108) For the Adapting Ego: "Key transforming truth: Relationships
are not as fragile as you believe." "Say no." "Trust yourself." (109)
For the Defending Ego: "Key transforming truth: You are safer
than you realize." "Stay in
the relationship." "Trust
others." (110) "If it is
true that there is a personal God, who offers me love, affection, intimacy,
acceptance, approval, simply because it is his nature and character to do so,
then it is possible for me to receive from this source and so be free from
needing others to give me these things.
This is like discovering a spring of fresh water that can begin to
well up within you." "If
this is the case, then it is possible that our leadership can change from
being something that always in some way takes from others--as may happen to
the servant leader--to being something that gives to others freely, in
undefended generosity." (118) Leadership at its
purest is concerned with truth.
"It is a matter of seeing something more truly than others around
you." (124) "While
others are still urgently straining away, towards some unclear goal, the
leader is the one who stops…waits. And
as she waits, she listens, and feels, and looks. And as she does so, shapes begin to emerge
and the scene begins to become a little clearer." "As leaders, the crucial quality we
need is the courage to stop. The
courage to wait and be still. While
everyone around us is clamouring for a decision, the leader waits until she
is confident and clear." (125) Learn from
children. Be playful. Stimulate wonder. Strengthen trust. Take responsibility. "Children
trust. Implicitly." "…if we lose the ability to trust we
lose the basis of all human relating."
"Remember what it feels like to be trusted. It feels good, doesn't it? As leaders, we can give that experience to
another person this very week, this very day, this very hour." (134) Take
responsibility. "Children tend to
have a straightforward morality and instinctive senses of right and wrong,
duty and loyalty. It is as we grow up
that these may get confused." (135)
"The thing about taking responsibility as a leader is that it often
breeds responsibility in those around you." (136) Moral authority
is formed via struggle. "Nature builds in struggle as an essential part
of the formation and development of healthy life." How could we develop endurance, fortitude,
courage, determination and patience without struggle? Struggle may be physical, emotional,
intellectual, and spiritual. What
makes the difference is our choices, how we respond. Will the knife cripple or shape us? Our path becomes our destiny. (139-142)
Moral authority forged in the flames is clear to all. (149)
Undefended
goals. The only proper goal of
leadership is "to enable people to take responsibility,"
"helping people to move towards fully mature, responsible
personhood." This is the
target. Everthing else is
secondary. It is a human goal. Both
the leader and the followers are changed.
(153) "Our
primary task is to grow up. It is to
learn, through the experiences we are given, who we are--what it means to be
courageous, what it is to serve, what it is to be loved and to love, what it
is to be real, what it is to be fully human.
True leadership is leadership of ourselves and others into this kind
of life…." (154) "Leadership,
therefore, is a task that occurs at every level of life and in every kind of
sphere…. Leadership is a way of
offering life to the world, in order to draw life out of the world. As such, it is a spiritual activity."
(154) Fundamental
goals: ●
Enabling
people to embrace struggle, to help them apply themselves to the problem,
trust themselves, and find the resources to solve it. (154) ●
Enabling
people to both develop and 'lay down' their skills, to periodically to step
away form their leadership roles, to let go of the perks and rewards of
leadership, and give up the self-preservation of holding on to position. (156) ●
Enabling
people to identify and embrace their vocations. By giving up the leadership they have, by
laying aside their personal interest, and making themselves wholly available,
people can discover what they are truly called to be for the sake of
others. (157) ●
Enabling
people to 'know the moment,' to see beneath the surface, to read between the
lines, to discern larger patterns at work.
(158) |
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